A look back- Part 2

After the first night we brought Eliza home the engorgement finally went down. However, I continued to struggle with latch and remained frustrated. I was in pain and exhausted. I knew breastfeeding would not happen naturally but I thought it would be easier than what I was experiencing. Truth be told, I had only ever seen breastfeeding on TV. I think this was part of the problem. Breast feeding is a socially learned behavior in primates. I had never even been around babies never mind a breastfeeding mom. However, I was determined to breastfeed so I kept doing my best. I tried to relax and sat in my glider with calming music. I was not relaxed at all. I was tense and worried and in pain. Each time DH brought Eliza to me I wanted to cry. I developed a Pavlovian reflex. I could hear him coming up the stairs with her and started feeling sick to my stomach. I was expecting the worst before it even happened and I couldn't stop. At times we did great and I was relieved. Other times she would flail her arms, yank hard, pull off and cry. I would cry too. I have a distinct memory of feeding Eliza in the middle of the night. DH was sleeping in bed next to me and I sat there with tears falling from my eyes onto her face while she was eating. I was so freaking frustrated it hurt.


I kept going back to my books and trying different positions with her. If something helped one time it didn’t seem t help the next. I tired two different nursing pillows and a nursing stool. The pediatrician told me sometimes it takes a while to find a good position. I tried nursing in bed, on the couch, lying down, and in my rocker. I would have tried it standing on my head if I thought it would have worked. I was desperate and in pain. I knew the latch should not hurt and I needed help fast. I suffer from major anxiety when it comes to calling places of business on the phone. However, I sucked it up and I called several lactation consultants for help and finally found a place I could go to (an hour away) to get some help.


At Eliza’s appointment with the LC she did great. I learned how to get her on a little better and she took in 2.5 oz and then drifted off to sleep. She displayed none of the problem behaviors we experienced at home. As a result these issues were never really resolved. After the meeting we worked on our latch and for a small amount of time I was confident and felt better about breast feeding. Then it just got worse again and nothing seemed to help. At this point I had reached the brink. I was walking the line of sanity. While I was struggling with breastfeeding I was also suffering a bad case of Baby Blues. The combination was terrible and overall I felt like I just wasn’t cut out for being a mom. After promising myself I would take nursing one day at a time, I gave up. I did not nurse for 24 hours. Then I freaked out. Eliza wasn’t happy and neither was I. The little connection I felt to her when nursing had vanished. Now I know this sounds crazy, but I started to think that my bay hated me. Of course I now that these thoughts were ridiculous; I said I was walking the line. At the time I felt that I was of no comfort to my unhappy little baby.

I was not happy breast feeding. I was not happy bottle feeding. I was not happy period. The happy medium that I finally found was exclusive pumping. I knew two people who pumped exclusively and so after much research I started the process. It was very difficult but I will never regret the choice. I was able to give my daughter breast milk for four months. Eventually I started to feel better. You will be happy to know that I am only half crazy now.


Looking back there were so many factors that led to my horrendous experience. The problems started before I had even given birth and extended into the weeks that followed. One key factor was that I have a fussy baby. The nicer terms are spirited baby or passionate baby. Call it what you like-I call it FUSSY! It wasn’t until a friend helped me out five weeks later than I found the solution to calm and soothe my sweet baby girl.

Through this journey I learned a lot and if I ever am blessed with another baby I would do things differently.

Before Delivery
• I would definitely hook up with a local La Leche League. Those women
could have been the support that got me through. A support network is
critical.
• Make arrangements to give birth at a hospital that allows for rooming in
and has a positive attitude about breast feeding.

After Delivery
• Make sure to nurse my daughter soon after delivery
• Make sure to see the hospital LC
• Purchase an infant scale. I know this is crazy but I truly think it would
have made me feel better to know she was gaining weight.

The only other thing I would have done differently would be to swaddle her when she was feeding. I was always told to strip her down into her diaper to keep her awake. However, Eliza could not relax when eating and would flail her arms all about. I think that the swaddle could have been a solution.

I still have not completely come to terms with my failure. I don’t know if I ever will. I hope that someday a successful breast feeding experience will make me feel differently. In many ways I am angry. I am angry that I did not succeed and I am angry for all the moms that I know that went through similar experiences. No new mom should ever feel so sad and alone.