Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Anxiety's a Bitch

Anxiety stinks...

There is really no way around this fact. I have struggled with anxiety since I was little. I had attacks starting at a young age. I also suffered from (and still suffer) from anxiety dreams. I used to joke that I would teach in my sleep because I would continue to replay things and think about teaching all night long. Great night of sleep- huh! One reason I moved from third down to K is because the stress of test prep started to wear on me.

As a child I had had pet bunny rabbits that lived in a hutch outside. I would dream that I forgot to feed the bunnies, or that I was trying to feed them and I just couldn't. I also had anxiety about things kids don't normally worry about. I guess one time I hit the stove knob and it started to smell like gas in the house. My mom warned me to make sure the knobs on the oven were off so gas fumes didn't go into the air. I would check the knobs 10 times before I could sleep. I would check the knob and then go back to bed. Then I would start to worry that I accidentally knocked the knob out of place while I was checking it. I was deathly afraid that gas was leaking into the air and I wouldn't live to see the light of morning. The cycle was vicious and endless.

As an adult I continue to suffer from anxiety off and on. I almost always feel tense and unable to relax. I worry endlessly about things I cannot control. While pregnant I constantly worried that something was wrong with the baby. If I didn't feel constant kicking I would start to feel sick with worry. I eventually broke down and rented a Doppler to ease my anxiety. After she was born I hated being along with her. I was always worried. I don't even know what I was worried about at that point. Eliza is 8 months old and I still continue to check to make sure she is breathing over and over and over. My cousin's baby died of SIDS when I was in high school and I think it really had a lasting effect on me.

So yesterday I started to feel anxiety again and I am not sure why. Most of the time it is mild and I can keep it under control. But I think I am just overwhelmed by commuting back and forth to my parents every week. I can't seem to get anything done at my house. We always have stuff to do on the weekends and if we don't then Pete goes out golfing. I guess I just feel overwhelmed right now and I know I shouldn't. That is why anxiety is a bitch- you get worked up over things normal people take in stride. A messy house overwhelms me and I suddenly feel like I can't do anything.-so I don't. This results in more mess, more anxiety etc. , etc. , etc.. I don't even know where to start- so I just start to worry about all the other things I need to get done. Then BAM- an anxiety attack.

Anyhoo. just felt like writing to hopefully get it out of my system. But I am sure that is not the last I my anxiety tales.

6 comments:

Momma On The Go said...

For the most part you do a pretty good job of hiding it (except for the doppler). I still have the anxiety dream of not getting to the computer at the restaurant that I used to work at and all my customers getting pissed off. It has been 5 years since I waitressed!

Dana said...

I totally understand... I have anxiety attacks all of the time lately... I feel this overwhelming feeling I feel like everyone is watching me and that I am going to pass out.... I SOOO hate it..

We should start an axiety club! LOL

Pam said...

I often dream about work too. I have this same dream that I just can't control the class and get them listen/behave/learn.

I am glad you shared this. At least by talking about it, you are allowing yourself the idea that it is okay to feel this way. I think that you have a lot that would stress you out. You have a little baby. You have a long commute and don't even get to stay at your own place during the week. then there is all that work stuff- yuk! You also have to deal with E in day care and how sick she gets. It is a big list. I think you have reason to feel stressed. I am glad that you are sharing it though and dealing with it. I wish there was more I could do- but I can always listen if you need it!

Tipp said...

I am so sorry. I hope it gets better soon!

H.E.Eigler said...

I know a bit about what you're going through. My DH has anxiety issues - and a lot of them revolve around health and body issues...so unlike a man's problem isn't it? but there it is just the same. We often joke that I'm the man and he's the woman lol :) Hang in there, you certainly aren't alone.

CC said...

I hear you. And the adoption process was the most anxious and helpless feeling that I've ever experienced. There are no good "what to expect when you are adopting" books, because, my gosh, there is no norm! I ended up on anti-anxiety meds during the 1st process..... And haven't gone off!