Wednesday, January 14, 2009

In memory

Lately I have been thinking back to the first time I was pregnant and consequently my first miscarriage. Maybe it is because I so frequently hear about miscarriages and my heart always goes out to these women. I also know that no two situations are the same but I do know from experience how difficult it can be to get over a loss.

I found out I was pregnant a little over a week before Thanksgiving in 2006. We had been trying to get pregnant for a few months and when I found out I was overjoyed and terrified. However, I felt like something was off from the beginning. I worried. I worried a lot. People told me not to worry. I didn't listen. I was crampy and felt icky- pretty normal pregnancy stuff. I told my parents I was pregnant and they had passed on the info to friends and family. I was excited and so were they.

I remember it like it happened this morning.

On Thanksgiving morning Peter and I got ready to go to my mom's house. We were about to leave and standing in the kitchen. I don't remember exactly what Peter said to me, but I am sure he was busting my chops about something. I felt a stabbing pain and said, "Ouch! Stop! Are you trying to make me loose the baby." Because while I was worried I didn't really think I would miscarry-hence the joking. I figured I was worrying for nothing...that is what I normally do- worry for no reason. I ran to the bathroom before we headed out the door and saw I was spotting.

Although I knew spotting could occur in normal pregnancy, I was sure at that very moment that things were bad. I felt like someone had turned up the thermostat to a zillion degrees and then down to zero. I wanted to throw up. I didn't want to leave the bathroom or the house but knew I had no choice. I was crying and trying to get calm enough to drive an hour to my mom's to spend a happy day with family.

I love Thanksgiving. I love to eat. I love everything about the holiday. But in that moment that day changed for me forever. I still love Thanksgiving but not a year will go by when I won't think of that day.

I was crying the entire ride to my mom's. I made Peter call her and tell her I was spotting because I couldn't even get the words out. I probably went to the bathroom a zillion times that day because constantly checking to see if you are spotting makes the spotting go away. Or not. People arrived and congratulated me on my pregnancy. I cried. I rested on the couch with my feet in the air. I sat in front of food but don't remember eating a bite. I felt angry and sad and every emotion possible that day- but what I didn't feel was thankful.

I miscarried just a day or two later. I returned to work after a long weekend and in a way felt like only a shadow of myself. I had a miscarriage I whispered. You didn't even know I was pregnant but I was and now I am not. And then I talked to people- a lot- and shared what happened-because that is what made me feel better. I learned that I was not alone. And people said stupid things- but it was OK because they were just trying to help.

I was in a dark place after that first loss. Friends and family tried to pull me out but I knew it would take time. I spent a lot of time on a After Loss message board and then on a TTC after loss board. It isn't for everyone but it helped me tremendously. I will always take time to talk to someone who is dealing with loss because I understand it is a time when you feel absolutely alone even when you are surrounded by people.

I was pregnant with Eliza just two months later.

I didn't even know what blogging was back then- maybe it would have helped in my healing. Regardless, I felt like I needed to write about the experience for myself and maybe for others. I don't think people talk about miscarriage enough. Of course it is a personal choice- but I feel that sharing story might make others feel less alone. It also makes me feel a little bit better-to remember-and to know I will never forget.


Ryan Ashley Scott@Opitimistic Cyicism said...

No, it's something you never forget, even after a successful pregnancy and the joy of a new child. Oddly, I have been pondering a post about my own experience as well. It helps to get it out, I think.

Crap, now I'm tearing up. It's been six years, I have a wonderful 3yo son, but still I'm not over it.

This was a very thoughtful post.

Lori said...

big hugs! the loss is something you will never get over. it is part of you lost, but it has made you a stronger woman... a deeper lover of life and a better mother. just think you are the mother of Eliza and of the little ones you lost too

Christy said...

I am so sorry friend.

Jody said...

You don't forget. I had a miscarriage 7 years ago - in fact the week of Christmas 2001 (sure does change the holidays doesn't it?) I wish I would have had somewhere to turn to at that time. No one seemed to understand. Fortunatley I now have three beautiful kids (4 1/2, 3 and 9 months) but I will always think of my oldest child - that angel in the sky.

MoziEsmé said...

Thanks for sharing. I haven't gone through this, but know so many who have. You survive because you have no choice, but it's not easy, and there is always something (somebody) missing...

♥Southern Gal said...

Well I'm so sorry about your lost! I haven't experienced a miscarriage in my life but I could only emagine what you went through & every other girl thats been through this! This will be in my thoughts & prayers!

Future Mom (Heather) said...

I am sad that Thanksgiving will always remind you of this time in your life but you sure do have a beautiful baby girl to be thankful for!

Back when this happened, I was not familiar with miscarriage like I am now, and can almost guarantee that I was one of the people who made some stupid comment like "it's better that nature took care of this now" instead of the more appropriate "so sorry for your loss". People who have not been in the situation do not understand that there is a grieving process involved, just the same as a death of a family member. Everyone will take their own time to heal from this and do it in their own way, whether spending more time with friends & family, grief counselors, or online support groups.

Now that I am more familiar with most aspects of pregnancy, I know that approximately 1 in 10 pregnancies will end in miscarriage but for some reason it is a topic that no one talks about. I know everyone deals with this in their own way and I am glad to see that you are benefiting from sharing your story on the blog to help yourself and others who are going through the same thing.

Did you know that there is a specific day (October 15) dedicated to the remembrance of pregnancy and infant loss? There is a website with a lot of helpful information that would benefit anyone who has gone through (or has a friend who has gone through) the loss of a pregnancy, stillbirth, etc.

Looking forward to spending more happy occasions together & welcoming many healthy babies into our group. Love you! xoxo

melanie said...

I've had 2 miscarriages and your words described exactly how I felt. Even though I have Hailey now- and I know I wouldn't have if I had the first 2 babies and that is just unimaginable- it still hurts when I think about the babies I lost.

Thank you for posting this- it helps to know other moms have the same feelings!

BundlebooMaMa said...

I am so glad that you found the support you needed to get thru that tough time...I am recently receiving a hard time from my in laws for blogging my personal life on the internet... truthfully I am grateful for being able to connect with people who understand what Im going thru as a SAHM. You will always have my support Danielle! BTW, tell you husband that I think he's a chicken too! Hanunted B&B's are awesome!! Where do you live..(providence or state) Im not looking to stalk you :)

La Mama Naturale' said...

Big ((HUGS)) to you!! Stay strong. I can only imagine. Sending positive vibes your way~

MarvelousMOM said...

Wow, thank you for sharing. That is something that you will never forget. I am so sorry that you experienced that. I have had people very close to me have miscarriages and it just kills me. I never know what to say, but I try my hardest to be there for them. You are wonderful.