Monday, September 28, 2009


My lil sweetie!
Eliza wearing her jersey to a football themed 2nd B-Day Party!

I am not laughing- I am losing my mind-don't be fooled! I am actually on the phone with my mom complaining about how Peter never takes any pics of us.
Daddy and Jude!

Sleeping in Swing!

and here comes the crazy

So I have been feeling a little crazy lately. The hormones and the stress are making me insane. I am sure my husband is at his wit's end with me- it is no fun living with someone with anxiety. I lost it the other night and called my mom in hysterics. I have been having a hard time coping even with Pete home. I stress about everything- I stress about stress. I am on the verge of breaking down pretty much all the time.

I feel like I am a new mom all over again. I had Eliza on a schedule- and I found such comfort in the schedule. She would drink her milk, play for a bit- then I would put her down to nap in the swaddle for about an hour. Rinse- Lather- Repeat. It took me nine weeks to figure her out but when I did things were very smooth for the most part. Without the swaddle she would wake herself up every time I put her down or she wouldn't sleep at all.

Jude is a mystery to me still. The breastfeeding changes everything. He is up a lot at night and I am exhausted. He doesn't fall asleep after breastfeeding. He has been avoiding sleep altogether today- or he wakes up after a few minutes or Eliza wakes him up. I haven't been swaddling him because it doesn't seem to work as well with him-but that might be because E was swaddled with a binky and the combo really seemed to work.

Jude eats a lot (every hour and half- two hours 24/7). I don't know if he fills up on air but he chugs milk for about 5 minutes and then is done. He won't stay on after that. I try to relatch him but he doesn't really stay on (slides to nipple) and if he does he just nibbles and then cries or pops off when milk comes down. I am tired and worn down to say the least. I keep thinking- I have been getting up every two hours for forty one days- at what point will I go completely and irrevocably insane? I now breastfeeding is a challenge but I would love just a three or four hour stretch of sleep.

So I'm going crazy. Wanna Come?


Lori: Teacher Turned Mommy said...

cute pictures of your kiddos... things will hopefully get smooth soon (o:

Marlene said...

Awww hang in there. I had a hard time keepin gmy oldest son satisfied with breast milk (today he is a 6'6" college c-call player) My other 2 children ate much better from my breast. (My middle child breastfed til 9 months and he is 6'5") so I dont know what to tell you. Obviously he is getting enough b/c he gained and grew. Have you thought about supplementing with a bottle so you could go to sleep for 4-6 hrs. I did it early on with my last 2 kids (from day one in the hosp) and I was able to sleep, leave my kids with my mom (with a bottle) and breastfeed until they were 9 and 10 mths. It was the best solution for me.
Danielle, YOU NEED your sleep. Sleep deprivation is not a fun thing for anyone.
Everything will work out. And supplementing is NOT a bad thing. I LOVED nursing and it helped me breastfeed longer.
P.S. LOVE the new pics.

Christy said...

I wish I lived closer. I have been in the place where you are. It feels like life will never be good again. It is sleep deprivation. Trust me - I went for two years without a single full night of sleep. And I was slightly crazy. I cried. I felt angry with my kids, with my husband, with the world.

It sucks, but the only thing that will help is time. Jude will get better at this whole sleeping and eating thing. I promise. What really helped me was getting out of the house. I know what you're thinking - getting out of the house with two kids by yourself is HARD. But it is worth it. The days go faster, the baby might sleep in the car, and Eliza won't be fussy with boredom. I used to pump once or twice per day, so that I would have a bottle to feed Izzy while we were out in public (I was never comfortable nursing in public). We would go to a friend's house, Target, the craft store, Target again, the mall, ANYWHERE.

Unfortunately, that is the only valuable advice I have to offer. Leaving the house every day saved my sanity.

Marcy said...

My heart goes out to you. My step-sister said she slept in 2hr chunks (at the most) for the full first 6months after her daughter was born. D was at least a little better to me, he pretty soon went to 3hrs. Some babies have smaller tummies and just get full faster-- and thus eat more often. Or maybe it's a growth spurt. I remember all too well how awful it could feel at the beginning, even if it was a rough patch of only a few days (not saying it is) it felt like it had been that bad FOREVER. It's so hard to get out of that mindset and see the light that's coming. I PROMISE IT'S COMING. Eventually.

A friend recently told me she had what she called the Rule of Three. That on those days that she felt so overwhelmed she called 3 different trusted friends and vented, and in the process of doing that would feel the weight lighten off her shoulders. Because of your anxiety, I would suggest you strongly consider seeing a therapist/counselor/other professional (could ask your OB/midwife for rec's) to just talk about what you're going through and seeing if it's "normal" or if there's something you can do to help lessen your anxiety (there's plenty of medicines that can help and are safe for breastfeeding, and there's NO shame at all in needing them if that is the case). If that is not possible, then DEFINITELY find people to vent with, people who can understand and help pull you through this difficult time.

Donovan never seemed to have much of a schedule, or routine even. It was so confusing and frustrating at times. Hopefully Jude figures it out soon, though (they say by about 4 months? I don't know... don't think "they" really do, either, though...).


Sheri said...

Oh, Danielle. I am so sorry. How people go on to have more kids after 2, I don't know. It is so hard going from 1 to 2. Don't worry about how long he is at the breast. As long as he is gaining, it is fine.
maybe when he is sleeping you can put eliza in your lap and turn on a movie for her and you can catch a snooze too?

Those are really great pics. Don't feel bad. My husband has never taken a picture of me since we had kids.
Pretty soon, once he discovers that there is a world around him, he won't want to nurse as much. Once he starts getting baby food, he will nurse less too.

Beth said...

You're doing great. I love those pictures!

La Mama Naturale' said...

Love the pics! Jude is getting so big! So sorry to hear about your troubles. I say do what's going to make you happy and what works best for you at this point! You're a wonderful mommy don't stress, chica!! You'll make it work and Jude will be happy no matter what. ((hugs)) :)