Taking a Beating

I am quickly learning that this pregnancy will not be nearly as easy as E's. Having a bouncing toddler to keep track of is kicking my butt or more accurately my belly. I didn't realize my belly wold be getting bumped, kicked and pushed quite so much. As much as I try to avoid this it seems unavoidable. When the doctor asks me about domestic abuse I always want to ask if getting my arse kicked by a toddler counts. Frankly, it is totally freaking me out.

On Saturday I was playing with Eliza at the playground. She was being a daredevil and decided to walk down the slide. I was standing on the ground next to her and reminding her to sit. When I saw she wasn't going to sit, but was instead going to tumble down the slide head first, I thrust myself forward to grab her, catching her just in time and jamming my belly into the play set. It hurt and I was very upset. My husband and mom told me to just relax. It felt better shortly afterward and I was able to relax a bit.

On Sunday I started to get scared that something terrible had happened. I wasn't spotting or cramping or feeling out of sorts at all. However, my head was convincing me that I hurt the baby. My head is a powerful thing. It can make me VERY crazy. It can make my husband very, very crazy. When E's nap time rolled around at about 1 I had totally lost it and was a mess. I ended up calling the doctor to leave a message. I was then able to compose myself and move on with the day. Of course I missed the doctor's call today am they have not called me back again. FUN!

I have mentioned before that I rented a Doppler while pregnant with Eliza. I did not feel her move that much and I was constantly panicking. I would become a zombie just sitting in a daze trying to feel her move. It wasn't healthy. Finally, the doctor suggested I get a Doppler. I was far enough along that I could easily find the heartbeat. So, I rented one from BellyBeats and used it a few times. Having it made me feel better and after using it those few times, E was big enough that I felt her move often.

I was hoping to get though this pregnancy in a more relaxed state. I figured I would be too busy with Eliza to worry and I have been doing much better so far. But lately all this bumping and jostling is making me a nervous wreck. I didn't plan on renting a Doppler but my husband thinks I should for peace of mind.-his peace of mind maybe. :)

There's No Place Like a Place with Seltzer

I am attempting to catch up in this post. Wish me luck.

Let's travel back to Kansas! What is the deal with NO SELTZER in Kansas? We searched high and low but NO SELTZER-only sparkling water. If Kansas wants me to come back they had better get some seltzer on those shelves. The only thing I really drink is seltzer and so I must admit Kansas left me a bit parched!

Other than the no seltzer bit Kansas was awesome. I have such a wonderful time visiting with family. E played with her cousin Nolan and they had a blast. Unfortunately, they both were fighting off colds so it was one big boogerfest. :) Nothing like spending a week lugging around a boogy sucker and a boogy rag! Anyhoo, I loved having so many people around. It was such a nice change from being so lonely everyday. Sometimes I think I should have been born into the Dugger family. Maybe I I can be # 19.

The bad news is that about 4 days into the trip I started experiencing chest tightness, shortness of breath and heart palpitations. It was pretty constant for about three days and I ended up in the E.R yesterday. I had a feeling it was anxiety driven but wanted to make sure. The E.R. did an EKG and a CT scan. That iodine they pumped into me made me warm all over and feel like I wanted to vomit and pee myself at the same time! Not fun. And as an added bonus, I was ovulating yesterday and planning on TTC- so those plans have been put off for another month which has left me feeling a bit Bah Humbug. Although my chest issues have improved they are not nonexistent. This is the first time I have experienced these symptoms but I am pretty sure I just had a week long panic attack.

I started this post at around 10am and now I am finishing it at 9pm and I am very exhausted so you get the short short version! I haven't been feeling myself and have had a hard time blogging, reading blogs or doing anything I would normally do. I hope to feel more myself soon and get some pics up from the trip ASAP

Milestone Monday and The Force!

What's my lil' E up to these days? E is 10 months old and she has grown so much over the past months. She has been practicing many new skills lately. Here are some of the milestones she has reached at 10 months of age.
• Reaches for toys
• Drops objects and then looks for them
• Becomes interested in grabbing the spoon during feedings
• Picks up tiny objects
• Understands the concept of object permanence
• Gets upset if toy is removed
• Transfers object from hand to hand
• Stands holding onto someone
• Pulls to standing
• Claps hands
• Waves bye-bye
• Bangs two objects together
• Crawls well
• "Cruises" furniture
• Pulls off hat and socks

and in crazy mommy news...

Also, E has felt warm a few times over the weekend and again this morning. I am a nervous wreck because we are leaving for vacay on Saturday and I don't want her to be sick while we are away. However, I can't seem to find a good thermometer. Taking her rectal temp is nearly impossible. Plus, our thermometer gives out crazy readings sometimes. MY body temperature can be= a bit below normal like 96.6- so I am not a good benchmark. She had a horrible sleep last night and was tossing and turning and practically throwing herself all over the bed. She has also been tugging her ears and rubbing her nose (or maybe her upper gums) a lot. I don't know if it is still the Coxsackie or if it is some major teething. The doctor checked her ears last Wednesday and they were clear.

Whenever I think she isn't feeling well I go into high stress, high anxiety mode. I know exactly what it means to go into fight or flight mode because I feel it all the time. I know I need to relax but that isn't as easy as it sounds. I have a tendency to lets thoughts control me. I get nervous and anxious and start to worry for nothing. I start worrying it is another UTI and we will be back in the hospital- or that she sill have permanent damage because I didn't catch the UTI in time. I try to dismiss these thoughts but they creep back in my head.

If that wasn't enough, I also have phone anxiety. For most people calling the doctor is no big deal. However, for me it IS a big deal because I make it a big deal. When I have to call I have a panic attack. The best way I can describe it is that I feel like I want to burst into tears and I have and no idea why. It is like a volcanic build up of emotion. However, it completely goes away after the call is made. This is why I schedule my dentists appointments in person every six months- just to avoid that feeling. And they know I will never cancel, because that would require a phone call. Stranegly, once I become familair with the receptionists and workers at a place I no longer feel this anxiety. I guess Eliza and I both have starnger anxiety.

I know it isn't healthy that a simple act like calling the doctor or ordering pizza has the same effect on my nervous system as getting mugged in a dark ally. It also doesn't help that in a fight or flight situation I usually choose flight. I told you I'm a big chicken. I would much rather cower behind my husband than face the bad guys in my brain. But I know their reign must end and I am working on getting in control of my thoughts. I am not sure how I plan on doing this but I know it is possible.

Maybe I must channel the force.

Size matters not. Judge me by my size, do you? Hmmm...and well you should not! For my ally is the Force, and a powerful ally it is. Life creates it, makes it grow. Its energy surrounds us and binds us. Luminous beings are we, not this crude matter! You must feel the Force around you, here; between you, me, the tree, the rock, everywhere!...yes, even between the land and the ship. ~Yoda

Anxiety's a Bitch

Anxiety stinks...

There is really no way around this fact. I have struggled with anxiety since I was little. I had attacks starting at a young age. I also suffered from (and still suffer) from anxiety dreams. I used to joke that I would teach in my sleep because I would continue to replay things and think about teaching all night long. Great night of sleep- huh! One reason I moved from third down to K is because the stress of test prep started to wear on me.

As a child I had had pet bunny rabbits that lived in a hutch outside. I would dream that I forgot to feed the bunnies, or that I was trying to feed them and I just couldn't. I also had anxiety about things kids don't normally worry about. I guess one time I hit the stove knob and it started to smell like gas in the house. My mom warned me to make sure the knobs on the oven were off so gas fumes didn't go into the air. I would check the knobs 10 times before I could sleep. I would check the knob and then go back to bed. Then I would start to worry that I accidentally knocked the knob out of place while I was checking it. I was deathly afraid that gas was leaking into the air and I wouldn't live to see the light of morning. The cycle was vicious and endless.

As an adult I continue to suffer from anxiety off and on. I almost always feel tense and unable to relax. I worry endlessly about things I cannot control. While pregnant I constantly worried that something was wrong with the baby. If I didn't feel constant kicking I would start to feel sick with worry. I eventually broke down and rented a Doppler to ease my anxiety. After she was born I hated being along with her. I was always worried. I don't even know what I was worried about at that point. Eliza is 8 months old and I still continue to check to make sure she is breathing over and over and over. My cousin's baby died of SIDS when I was in high school and I think it really had a lasting effect on me.

So yesterday I started to feel anxiety again and I am not sure why. Most of the time it is mild and I can keep it under control. But I think I am just overwhelmed by commuting back and forth to my parents every week. I can't seem to get anything done at my house. We always have stuff to do on the weekends and if we don't then Pete goes out golfing. I guess I just feel overwhelmed right now and I know I shouldn't. That is why anxiety is a bitch- you get worked up over things normal people take in stride. A messy house overwhelms me and I suddenly feel like I can't do anything.-so I don't. This results in more mess, more anxiety etc. , etc. , etc.. I don't even know where to start- so I just start to worry about all the other things I need to get done. Then BAM- an anxiety attack.

Anyhoo. just felt like writing to hopefully get it out of my system. But I am sure that is not the last I my anxiety tales.