Thursday, August 27, 2009

Need Some Superpowers

I am digging deep lately for my breastfeeding superpowers. Although we seemed to have a good start we have run into some trouble with supply, letdown, latch- I don't even know anymore. I have read article after article, watched videos and tried and tried again. It seems that once again breastfeeding will try to break me.

My husbands asks how I can give birth with no drugs and be so easily torn apart by breastfeeding. I have no idea. Maybe because with breastfeeding if you feel like it isn't going well you feel like a failure over and over again twelve times a day or more. It is frustrating to try your hardest at something and not feel like it is going well. I haven't ever tried so hard at something in my life and failed. and I did fail with Eliza. I just couldn't do it anymore.
I did pump for four months and bottle fed her breast milk but that isn't really an option this time around with a toddler to watch as well.

Jude has his check-up this morning and I am sure he gaining weight. However, I know we are having issues regardless. I am his mother and I KNOW when things aren't going well regardless of what the number is on the scale. Eliza gained weight at first too-I have a LOT of milk in the beginning-probably too much and so he will have gained weight even with a bad latch and poor drinking.

So I am digging deep for strength. Here I am in my Mommy Necklace. It is a breastfeeding necklace I won at Dirty Diaper Laundry blog. I put it on to remind myself of my long term goals-to stay focused and not give up even when things are tough and I am tired and frustrated. I am supposed to see someone today-not an LC- but hopefully someone who can help a little. Although I am a little concerned that not all advice is good advice.


Future Mom (Heather) said...

You look so cute in that pic & the necklace is really cool. Obviously it's hard for me to encourage you & help you with any breast feeding advice since I have never been through it...but you are absolutely not a failure!! All I can say is try to keep a positive and relaxed attitude (I know that's easier said than done) and hopefully that will help with part of it. Hope you get the help you need and everything works out :)

I will continue to say over and over to you how impressed I am with your mommy skills and I am learning a lot from you that I hope to use in the future. And you single handedly changed my mind about breast feeding in general. If I would have had a baby 2 years ago I can guarantee that kid would have been drinking formula & now I am totally on the breast feeding bandwagon! So thank you for that.

Good luck & keep us posted :)

Marcy said...

Breastfeeding is such a challenge, even for those of us who managed to succeed. I thought about quitting SO MANY TIMES in the first 2 months, and probably would have if I hadn't been so committed to it from the beginning. I will say from the start, that I am very impressed with you for pumping for 4 months with E-- I would not have done that, I would not have had the patience.

I hope the LC is able to help you. I don't want to give more advice to confuse you further, but will say again that you can email me anytime if you want to vent or talk or ask any questions, and I'll do my best. Also, that breastfeeding is, again, just plain HARD for everyone in the beginning, and we all felt like failures multiple times a day. I'd have feedings that felt like they were magical, then the next would leave me in tears of frustration. I guess I'm trying to say that just because you FEEL like you're failing, doesn't mean you are or will. You're also feeling all sorts of hormones messing with you that will make even the simplest problems seem unsurmountable, all riding atop your amplified fears of repeating your experience with E. No wonder you're feeling anxious!!!

Best of luck. Believe in yourself, and seek help. If this LC doesn't seem right to you, find someone else. Use the message boards, find local La Leche League representatives. whatever. GOOD LUCK!

Lori: Teacher Turned Mommy said...

big hugs... I know how you feel... I've been there done that with both boys. I wish I had advice for you, but it is a personal thing that you just have to realize. If you ever want to vent, catch me on fb and we can chat

MarvelousMOM said...

You look beautiful!!! Good luck with the breast feeding. I almost gave up since my nipple cracked so bad. I had to pump one side for over a month so it would heal.

Christy said...

Keep trying! I swear it gets easier. I failed at breastfeeding Porgie too. I ended up pumping for 6 months. With Izzy, I nursed him constantly. For the 1st 6 months of his life, he was attached to my boob. But he had bright green, slimy poop for months, which I later figured out was food allergies. Then started the elimination diet, and the visits to the GI doctor. Why can't anything ever be easy? But we stuck with it, and things got better. And I am still breastfeeding my 21 month old little guy.

Hang in their mama. I have been in your shoes. Just keep going! You can do it! Call the LC. Call the pediatrician. Get some books on breastfeeding. YOU CAN DO THIS!

If you have any questions or anything, feel free to email me. Even if you just want to bitch about how annoying breastfeeding is. Good luck mama:)

Sheri said...

Hang in there! You can do this. Remember you are tired and your hormones are going crazy. It IS so hard the first few months. Your learning and so is Jude. But it does get easier I promise! Seek support through your local laleche leader. I called/emailed mine like crazy and it always got me through the bumps along with going to the meetings. You will be surprised just how many mom's at the meetings went through the same stuff. The leader can also help you with your latch. has good videos for correct latching.

Here is your state's website for Laleche support.

You can email me anytime for a listening ear!

Pam said...

I'm so sorry! I know how much you want breastfeeding to work out and I know how much it does make you feel like a failure over and over throughtout each day. I hope you get some advice that works for you and things get easier. I will be thinking of you!

PletcherFamily said...

I know you are feeling down right now, but relax. Things never go as planned. With my second- she never latched on well - she was a lazy eater - and I had to quit. Did I love that? No. Did it really matter? Not really. What I needed was her to be healthy and happy, and for me to relax a little and not stress it. Having 2 children you are twice as tired and twice as busy, and you come to realize that being a supermommy is super hard. :)

By the way - that pictures is great! You look beautiful!!

Kim said...

Everyone else said it, but I will reiterate it, breastfeeding is hard sometimes. It doesn't always happen like some magical moment. Some babies have trouble with latching, some mommies have supply issues. But you know you want to do it and you will. I had to see a LC 4 times to get things working perfectly. I cried almost every feeding it was so painful. I had marathon feeding sessions overnight that lasted hours. Then, somewhere along the way it just started working and he got it. He weaned from th shield. He just started doing it. We are at 9 months and going strong.

Once it starts working you will forget how miserable you were in the beginning. But you will remember that all the trouble was completely worth it. I thought many times of just pumping, but I didn't do that.

You will get through the tough times and be stronger for it.

Oh, and of course, you look beautiful in the necklace. Glad you like it! Once that baby gets older you will need it :)

CC said...

I've never breast-fed....but I'll loan you some super powers!!!!

La Mama Naturale' said...

What a cute pic... AND such adorable shots of Jude you've been posting-btw! I want a Mommy necklace. How fun! Looks like you have lot's of great support here... good luck on new position/latch and sending positive thoughts your way! ((hugs))

half pint pixie said...

I'm a few days later, but I'm sending you some super-powers, I hope things are getting better for you! You know I found breastfeeding in the beginning to be agonisingly painful, I'm glad I stuck it out but boy did it hurt! And I had so much oversupply for months, it was mad! I don't want to offer more advice on top of all that you've had already, sometimes you can get too much input! But if you need a chat, feel free to email me :) Good luck, you'll do splendidly.